Madame Déficit

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Writer, Director, Director of Photography, Costume Design


CONTENT WARNING: Eating Disorder Mentions

Madame Déficit: I Want to Be the Girl with the Most cake

This film is a “f*ck you” letter to my eating disorder, which peaked at the ages of 12-18 years old. Because I am much more tender than I want to admit, it’s also a love letter to my teenage self, and to other teenage girls, to let go of internalized misogyny, to dress in a feminine coded way if they want to, to take up as much space as they want. To say to them, you aren’t the “cool chick” stereotype men so crave, and who in their right mind would want to be anyway? Eat whatever you want, as messy as you want, don’t care who is looking.

I didn’t know any of this as a teenage girl. I was obsessed with being, “thin,” with looking glamorous, beautiful, cool with ease, with being nothing like the “other girls” at all times. I was terrified of eating in front of people, of looking gross. I starved myself everyday for six years because of this.

At 18 years old, I discovered R!ot girl music, zines, artwork. I believe this is when I started to realize, I WAS like the other girls, and I was proud. I adore Courtney Love and her band Hole, Bikini Kill, the Runaways—- all of this was life changing. Later on, I discovered Queen Marie Antoinette's true life story through female historians and I connected it to Courtney Loves—- both women who lived lives of unapologetic decadence only to be hated, blamed, punished for choices their husbands made.

It made me furious, and I started to see the pattern of the insidious media and the public always holding women more responsible than men: Priscilla Presley, Courtney Love, Marie Antoinette, Ariana Grande, Jordyn Woods, etc.

Queen Marie Antoinette was named Madame Deficit, even though King Louis XVI was the one who charged all the extra tax to French citizens to be able to send money to the American Revolution. People lied about the, “let them eat cake,” quote.

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Janessa Boom